it's been a long time. Its kinda funny how i created this many years ago because i was jealous that my sister could use Livejournal and I couldn't. Shortly after, my friends all started using blogdrive.

Now im addicted to Livejournal.

Oh, i got a job at a nearby library! YAY! finally i'll get a steady flow of money, experience, etc etc!

Mrh. Blogdrive isn't as cool as it used to be.

It's strange

So i was left alone for 2 days, no one in the house but my cat and I. Of course, i was at a party and babysitting... but when im with other familys, i feel spoiled. Like its an amazing gift, and i feel so happy.

I really didnt ask much when my mom went out with her boyfriend... just to pick up some groceries because we were running out of stuff that i can make myself when i am home alone. (canned food)

Hell, i made 100 bucks for babysitting 10 hours for 3 kids. That's a lot. I wouldn't have minded going out and getting groceries, with my own money, so i could have something to EAT. But you know what? I depend on her because she's the only one that can LEGALLY drive. And she gets child support to FEED ME. Is that too much to ask? before babysitting, the only thing i found to eat was an apple and some bread and butter.

Im sorry.. im selfish but... i wish i could stay with Curtis's family... they feel like a real family to me, and they are so nice... SO nice

Sometimes i wish my mom would act like a mother. Or at least do some of the necessities? Buying some food and driving me places isnt too much for a parent to do. For godsake, if she has 2 FULL DAYS TO SPEND WITH HER BOYFRIEND, SHE HAS ENOUGH TIME TO BUY SOME FREAKING GROCERIES. MY GOD. she doesnt even have to WORK!! LMAO i work and earn my money, while she gets to do whatever she wants, when she wants.

I WANT TO STAY HERE UGH I HATE THIS

Hahahahaha yeah its final.

Now does this... look rather questionable?

And this?


*scratches head*

It's a strange feeling i've been having when reading... and actually, a strange feeling in general in which i will note to later in this entry.

Having finished this summer reading book finally 'The Lovely Bones' (and having read the rape scene over and over due to having put down the book many times and attempting again) it pulled so many sensitive spots that have been boring down on me in the past few years that really.. changed a lot.

I think of the night not long ago, hiding in the bathroom with a blanket and a phone, scared so fiercely that my heart banged to escape. The fear insecurity, then reality and something else. A feeling i felt the night before my dad left. When i started to grow up.

It's funny how this is the first night both my sister and my mother have been both home in ages... and yet i felt so alone as i invaded a lonely world inside this book. Every time i read, i feel like some stranger... alone. Whereas watching a movie with a friend, you know that the world is far away from you with the company. The book you read invades your thoughts and you are the only one.

I read the book and think "is every man like this?" "does every women get this neady and deep down seek divorce if their husband is away at work too long?" because i know its where the only life i know fell. How after a year, i shoved everything in a dense symbol and the next day woke up in a new life i just decided to 'get used to it'. How when the memories of cooking with my father surface again, i cry. and when that day he left, cooking by myself, i pent up again. like the child still growing left with my father.

Something about books never seem real to me. the cheesy names, the fact that every person seems to be connected to eachother and appear again over time as some 'odd coincidence', when for me... you meet someone sweet, but see the open world with more people to discover and exchange glances with at least. Maybe i could express this strange feeling as the book being one sort of 'click'? Not knowing something i know, i feel so disconnected.

The strange thoughts... a sinking depression. One that forms from an experience somewhat long ago, but takes in a quiet murder later on. I draw. I eat. I see friends. I laugh, i cry. but nothing interests me anymore. i try to draw, but it doesnt spark the same joy it used to. For this past year, i've been searching for something to fill that empty space, telling myself its working, but it just isnt. I wake up wondering when i'll die, when life will get overwith.

My last hope is finding that 'someone special' to fill that empty space of emotions, but even then im doubtful. Like a part of myself that thinks fairy tales are real. At 4 o clock this morning, the only thing i can think of is 'i need help'

I want to paint and look at it with a hidden emotion in my heart again, instead of a hollow one.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF

BOOOODY LANGUAGE HAAAAH!

3rd day... no sign of life besides a feline creature.. canned products look so foreign to these eyes...

*gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

i really don't give a damn if my mom FINALLY comes home when im out bikeriding. Im pissed. Im lonely. I want to live on Earth and not this house. *mope whine sulk*

I set a new record today... i slept in until 3. 3 o clock. See, i can't be trusted to live on my own XD if i do, i usually just mess with my daily life.

Wow... you don't know how pathetic i feel right now XD how amazing

-fin

Mood: crappy
Music: Sakura Kiss by Chieko Kawabe