Waaait a minute...
Now does this... look rather questionable?
Not much of a reader
It's a strange feeling i've been having when reading... and actually, a strange feeling in general in which i will note to later in this entry.
Having finished this summer reading book finally 'The Lovely Bones' (and having read the rape scene over and over due to having put down the book many times and attempting again) it pulled so many sensitive spots that have been boring down on me in the past few years that really.. changed a lot.
I think of the night not long ago, hiding in the bathroom with a blanket and a phone, scared so fiercely that my heart banged to escape. The fear insecurity, then reality and something else. A feeling i felt the night before my dad left. When i started to grow up.
It's funny how this is the first night both my sister and my mother have been both home in ages... and yet i felt so alone as i invaded a lonely world inside this book. Every time i read, i feel like some stranger... alone. Whereas watching a movie with a friend, you know that the world is far away from you with the company. The book you read invades your thoughts and you are the only one.
I read the book and think "is every man like this?" "does every women get this neady and deep down seek divorce if their husband is away at work too long?" because i know its where the only life i know fell. How after a year, i shoved everything in a dense symbol and the next day woke up in a new life i just decided to 'get used to it'. How when the memories of cooking with my father surface again, i cry. and when that day he left, cooking by myself, i pent up again. like the child still growing left with my father.
Something about books never seem real to me. the cheesy names, the fact that every person seems to be connected to eachother and appear again over time as some 'odd coincidence', when for me... you meet someone sweet, but see the open world with more people to discover and exchange glances with at least. Maybe i could express this strange feeling as the book being one sort of 'click'? Not knowing something i know, i feel so disconnected.
The strange thoughts... a sinking depression. One that forms from an experience somewhat long ago, but takes in a quiet murder later on. I draw. I eat. I see friends. I laugh, i cry. but nothing interests me anymore. i try to draw, but it doesnt spark the same joy it used to. For this past year, i've been searching for something to fill that empty space, telling myself its working, but it just isnt. I wake up wondering when i'll die, when life will get overwith.
I want to paint and look at it with a hidden emotion in my heart again, instead of a hollow one.
My dear sweet child...
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF
BOOOODY LANGUAGE HAAAAH!
Because she can clearly take care of herself
3rd day... no sign of life besides a feline creature.. canned products look so foreign to these eyes...
i really don't give a damn if my mom FINALLY comes home when im out bikeriding. Im pissed. Im lonely. I want to live on Earth and not this house. *mope whine sulk*
I set a new record today... i slept in until 3. 3 o clock. See, i can't be trusted to live on my own XD if i do, i usually just mess with my daily life.
Wow... you don't know how pathetic i feel right now XD how amazing
Oh and stranger things still
I am a bad person... and perhaps it takes a good person to admit it XP
My mom has her new bf... he's wonderful really. But it all goes back to 'lonliness 101' where i'm the one wheeled car stuck at home. When my mother comes home, its like a giddy teen that only talks about her bf more than anything else (otherwise its about bashing my dad and his family)
Enough durn moping. XD I have such an impatient nature... really just have to let love come when it may, then to stare at the clock and let time pass you by.
because radka told me to, here's an entry
Looks like my house is getting sold, which means i very well may be moving by the end of September =) unfortunately... this is nearly 200, 000 less than its worth =( kind of dissapointing, because that much could've been used to actually get a condo.. oh well
Today im going to the movies with cait, sanna, radka, and hopefully Ayelet. Ayelet, we miss you! We haven't seen you in ages! XD
Im leaving for camp on Sunday, so no electronics for a whole week!! eeeek, electron level too looooooow XD I really really hope Hilary is comming : ( we need a spork Hilary!! We need you!
I want new Trigun Maximum chapter so baaad ;__; the wait is really weighing down on me >_<
ek well... hopefully my mom will get off the phone now so we can pick up Sanna and go to Cait's house so we can go to the movies!! (Cait's totally going to show off her porn XD)
My new YKO came in today... 2 more volumes until i have to renew or say bye bye to it *empty WALLET gh gh ghh..*
I'm sure this wait will be worth it though! Especially with volume 12 of Trimax comming out on the 24th, Trimax volume 9 comming out in english on the 17th y etc...
23rd+ is when i'm off to camp =T im looking foreward to spending time with my good friends XD apparently its a good camp so im not worried.
Today i also got a postcard from Fran in San Diego!! She reminded me that i *REALLY* should start snail mailing again XD i really really wish i could've gone to SD. But i guess when money's sorted out, i can try.
My good friend Arbor may be helping me out with installing my graphics card today =D she is REALLY an amazing, all around wonderful and helpful friend XD i am SO grateful and unworthy!!
The houseshowing was somewhat promising today. I would love to move this summer, but i can't get my hopes too high up =\
Family Guy Provoked me :>
If you don't like it, you'll obviously have a hard time finding your shipoopi
SHIPOOPI (c) 1957 M. Willson Well, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date Is usually a hussy And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out Is anything but fussy But a woman who'll wait till the third time around Head in the clouds, feet on the ground She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi Shipoopi! Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl who's hard to get! Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet. Walk her once just to raise the curtain Then you walk around twice and make for certain Once more in the flower garden She will never get sore if you beg her pardon Do re me fa so la si Do si la sol fa mi re do Squeeze her once, when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper Do re me fa sol la si Do si do Now little ol' Sal was a no-gal As anyone could see Lookit her now, she's a go-gal Who only goes for me Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper Do re me fa sol la si Do si do Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl who's hard to get Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet Shipoopi